ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
You Might Also Like
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.