*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
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ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
“no gods no masters” = leo
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
*limbos under the caution tape
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL