Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
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If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Guy who likes music
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
But is it really??
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!