For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
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Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
2022 be like
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid