M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
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Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?