How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
You Might Also Like
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I unironically love this joke.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.