Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
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Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.