A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
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I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
🤣🤣💀
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.