hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
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Auto correct is my worst enema.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Social Media and Real life
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
that lip filler tho
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet