I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
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Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭