Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
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When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?