I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
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No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
no refunds
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud