[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
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[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby