The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
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Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
What flavor cupcake are these
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.