air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
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I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*