Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
You Might Also Like
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
#merica
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Sunday
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.