Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
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Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.