I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
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If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I hope google does well on my son’s test