I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
“i miss shittin on people”
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.