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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
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[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Incredible customer service.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns