I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
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You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.