This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory š
You Might Also Like
[Toddler 911]
911: whatās your emergency?
Son: itās naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they donāt know where thatās at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
My horoscope was so wrong today Iām beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* Thatās the most romantic thing youāve ever said to me.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because āit canāt be that hard.ā Heās currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: thatās why weāre sending you to clown school
what if wolves are onto something? maybe weāll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so iām like, sure, thatās something we can deal with. thatās a starting point
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
Iām going in myself.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.