‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
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No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.