A great tip. #CakeRex
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Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
The three genders.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?