You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
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I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.