Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
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I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
We’ve all been there