Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
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[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.