Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
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Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)