Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
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*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Always 🥴
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric