Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
You Might Also Like
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what