There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
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The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
what’s more important?
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*