*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
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Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
My time has come.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
A family that plays together cheats.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.