The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
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Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.