When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
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*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what