I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
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Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Monday
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND