Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
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Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
This is me
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away