.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
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Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows