“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
You Might Also Like
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
What a year we’ve had this week.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together