I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
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The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”