don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
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“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Breaking news:
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
No. He’s not coming out to play
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.