Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
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[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Nooooooooo!!!
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