My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
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Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people