If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
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So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
and now we wait
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂