I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
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Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I got bills
They’re multiplying
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.