philosophical skeletons be like
You Might Also Like
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Baking is just science you can eat.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
That’s a good costume, I hope.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now