I occasionally drink every single night.
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Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.