My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
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I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
My five year plan is a meteorite
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?