“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
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Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…