Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
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I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.