Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
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Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon